Assertiveness and Deviantart

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Strangerataru's avatar
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I feel really sorry about some of what I said in my journal yesterday, but I just feel like I have a hard time trying to explain myself and the current situation regarding how alone I feel on this page or on the internet in general.  I may have said this a few times but let me just repeat myself: I have a hard time communicating with people on things unless it is something within my own interest that will assist me.  I’m trying to be more assertive and ask about things that I need to, but there is a difference between assertiveness and active conversation that tends to lead to “friends” that exist elsewhere.

This also sort of just leads to my other typical comment about the internet: it is never a place to make friends.  In the journal from yesterday, I just found out that someone that I’ve talked to for over ten years now has deleted me from his messenger once and for all.  I used to talk to him all the time but back then it was easier with less concern about things and with things to talk about.  These days it isn’t that easy to do so with all that I do at night.  I try to keep myself active but at the same time I’m never the one to start the conversation. There are those who do talk with me but they’re usually the ones who start the conversation: some of them about matters of creativity, others with other matters that I deal with: TV shows, tokusatsu and whatnot.  I sometimes talk about my own feelings and problems and they the same.  But the truth is it just feels impossible for me to ever say that any of these people are my friends.  I want to but it’s impossible: I’ve only met three people in my entire life from an internet connection, all were attempts at dating and all ended miserably.  I’ve never met one person from Deviantart or my previous or current hangouts (Yahoo, my old anime or manga boards and my current toku board) in real life…at all.  I want to say that you’re friends, but I can’t.  Life is just too fluid, with too many people coming and going and never any real concept or idea of what will happen tomorrow, a month, a year, or many years from now.  And with all the other things going on in life, it’s hard to ever say that any real relationships or connections are ever truly created.

But I can’t just get depressed about it.  I knew when I started creating art and commissioning people the risks of doing so.  I knew that there were going to be some things that people were going to love and want more of; and there were going to be some things that people were going to hate and tell me in my face; but I knew also that most of what I did and liked was going to be ignored and just be out there.  I get myself down because I expect more sometimes, but this is the life I live and this is the life I’m in now.  And I can’t just get depressed and give up just because no one wants it or I hear nothing.  I’m still happy I did what I did if only for one person, but I figure sometimes I set my expectations too high and thus why I end up getting in a funk when I do everything to try and it just leads to nothing in return, not even a comment or a suggestion or idea.  I’m just going to move on from this and keep going at what I do, knowing that someday there will be something that will get no faves, no comments, no nothing on this page…and I’ll be proud its out there.  I’m not one of those super huge names doing massive works that everyone loves; I’m not just creating random fan-art of things everyone cares about; but I’m still happy to be here cause I know I’m here.  I may be slower than I used to in producing things and not in the ideal situation, but at least I try.

And if anyone wants to talk to me, I’m always open.  Send a note, contact via Skype or Yahoo or AIM, make a comment.  If you don’t, that’s understandable.  I have a hard time saying what I want to at times too.

© 2015 - 2024 Strangerataru
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babermirza's avatar
I understand your position on internet friends. For me, I have only met two people on the internet that I can consider to be my friends, and that took almost 5 years for me to admit it. Perhaps you can do what I do and classify internet friends as acquaintances instead? I find the term more useful for this situation. 

I also understand the communication thing, I have a hard time talking to people as well, hence why many of my comments are so short. It's tough to find the right words. 

I'll be watching, as always.