(The camera comes on to what seems to be a flashing screen, flashing in colors so fast that it seems to cause seizures! As it flashes, text in complete capital letters seems to appear, flashing in the exact opposite color as the background. A loud, annoying voice with a horrible echo effect seems to shout out the words that appear on the screen)
(The text changes but the horrible flashing effect continues)
AT THE ONE
(Suddenly, the camera moves to an actual screen that shows a showroom and a man standing in front of it. He appears to be wearing a loud, yellow suit with green "money" drawn all over it and a similarly loud pair of pants, with spiked dirty-blonde hair and plastic glasses. He seems to be very crazy as he starts speaking in a really fast tone that seems to show him as a really wild person)
"Yellow-Suit Man": That's right, this is the one, the original RHoM: Ricky's Habitat of Metamorphosis!!! That's right, metamorphosis, by me, Ricky Ivan Holmes, the king of metamorphosis!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: HE'S THE KING!!!
Ricky: Now what is metamorphosis, you ask? Well ask no further because I have your answer! It's the rock-em, sock-em, make-em, break-em means of turning something into something else! And let me tell you if you want it than I have it! I can turn you into anything you want; anything you desire! You name it, I can do it! I have no limitations, no problems, and no qualms about bringing about your greatest desire! Just look at this fine, happy customer:
(The screen changes first to what appears to be...a rock. An average, ordinary rock sitting on a lawn somewhere. As the rock sits there, it seems to speak (without lips, mind you) with a female voice)
"Rock": I was once the greatest girl out there: I was top-5 in my class, a star gymnast and speculated to be the next beauty queen sensation.
Caption: Happy Customer # 423
"Rock": But all I wanted was to be an average, ordinary girl with no cares in the world. And now look at me: I couldn't be happier. Let those football players and snobbish beauties take what I've earned!
(The camera cuts back to Ricky, now behind a background that has another "warehouse" shot right behind him)
Ricky: See, this is what you can get when you deal with the one, the original RHoM! That's Ricky's Habitat of Metamorphosis, no ifs, ands or buts! If you want to become something, I can do it!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS!!!
Ricky: Now others may claim to be masters of metamorphosis, but they're all frauds! Tricksters who want to swindle you out of your hard-earned cash just to make you become some form that isn't a new form but your old form with some weird costume cat ears or a pumped up inflatable muscle suit! But we at RHoM are different: we actually, honest to goodness can make you become whatever you want! Just look at another of our happy customers:
(The camera now cuts to what appears to be a fat, bald man sitting on a recliner with a bottle of beer in his hand and watching TV. He seems to have a really gruff voice as he speaks)
"Lazy Man": Yep, I was your typical geeky nerd: shy, insular, had a lot of cute potential. Ricky came to me, gave me a potion and unleashed everything I could be.
Caption: Happy Customer #7345424
"Lazy Man": If someone could have told me that I would be 17 years old and living the prime of my life and happier than I'd ever been, I would have laughed without knowing the truth! I can't believe that it took that one encounter, and I have Ricky to thank!
(The camera cuts back to Ricky, this time with a background showing a weird factory setting behind him that appears to be like chickens on a conveyor belt)
Ricky: No crap! No gimmicks! None of that stuff that you expect from those other frauds out there! I mean, what do they know about metamorphosis? Just because they come from some exotic location and know a few things doesn't mean diddly in this business!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: RICKY KNOWS FOOTBALL. RICKY KNOWS BASEBALL.
Ricky: If someone comes up to you and says they can turn you into something, then they are lying! They are 100% a frauding, swindling liar! Unless they are me, Ricky Ivan Holmes, the mastermind of the one, the original RHoM! And if they continue to show you some mystical mumbo-jumbo and crap, then I'll just show them another of my happy customers:
(The camera now cuts to what appears to be a female scientist, but with the head of a fly and a feeler for one of it's arms. She seems to speak with a high-pitched voice)
"Scientist": I was an ordinary scientist, dreaming to become the monster I always wanted to be. But it was impossible on my own, with no means of success...until Ricky came along.
Caption: Happy Customer #634235
"Scientist": Now look at me, satiating my sugar cravings every few seconds, freaking out my boyfriend to break up with me, wearing a sheet in public due to my appearance...life couldn't be better.
(The camera cuts back to Ricky, this time with a background of what appears to be war movie stock footage with soldiers and tanks rampaging through a field on the attack)
Ricky: If you think this is all some sort of crazy hoax, then you are absolutely, positively incorrect! Why would I, the great Ricky Ivan Holmes, try to trick you! All of these transformations are 100% legitimate, chosen and made by the customers you've seen here in this commercial! Do I look like the person who would fleece innocents just for a buck? Not me!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: HE'S A PEPPER
Ricky: To me, the consumer is key to the success of the company! If they're not satisfied, I'm not satisfied! That's how we work at the one, the original RHoM! This is about you, your metamorphosis and nothing more! Let me prove it one more time with one more happy customer:
(The camera cuts to what appears to be a horrible lump of flesh akin to a monster from the 1982 version of "The Thing", with veins and organs flying all over the place and parts of the inside seeming to come right out like some horrible abomination. "It's" head, which still seems female in it's face and features, seems to rise up with certain weird parts of it's body holding it, screaming and making weird noises as if it is trying to talk. A simple caption rises up)
Caption: Happy Customer #1982
(The camera cuts back one more time to Ricky, this time with a background showing a raging waterfall and with his talk seeming to become more hyper and extreme with his delight and happiness yet with a sense of panic)
Ricky: Don't you see, we're the greatest! We're the one! The original! RHoM! We can't be beaten or put down or pushed around by anyone!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: GOTTA FIND A WOMAN, GOTTA FIND A WOMAN, GOTTA FIND A WOMAN, GOTTA FIND A WOMAN!!!
Ricky: Every other firm may claim that they're the best, but they're frauds! All of them! Every! Last! One!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: HOLD YOU IN HIS ARMCHAIR YOU CAN FEEL HIS DISEASE
Ricky: No one else does what we do! We're the greatest! No, we're the only one! That's how great we are, because no one else can do it!!!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: WHOA NO, GUADALAJARA WON'T DO
Ricky: They're all nothing but parlor tricks and magic! We have the power of science and the skill to make anything we want out of you! We haven't lost a single customer, not one!!!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: GUNTER GLIEBEN GLAUCHEN GLOBEN
Ricky: BECAUSE I'M RICKY!!! IVAN!!! HOLMES!!!!
Voice: (off screen) So there you are! I can't believe how easy you made this.
Ricky: (yelling) See, and here comes another one of those fakes!
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MUSTELID BEHIND THE CURTAIN
Voice: Do you realize how much trouble you caused by trying to claim you are RHoM? The phone calls were off the hook for the place by how disturbed they were getting!
(As the feminine voice appears, it reveals itself to be a tall, beautiful black-footed ferret female with long black hair, an immense bosom and a well-defined large musculature that showed her power as she overwhelmed the now smaller 'salesman'. He seemed to panic but continues to speak as her "mask-covered" eyes stare down at him and another caption appears)
Caption: RICKY IVAN HOLMES: DON'T TURN AROUND, UH-OH, DER KOMMISSAR'S IN TOWN
Ricky: (yelling) Fraud, mistake, furry cosplayer! You're not from RHoM! There is only one RHoM and that's me! The One! The Only!!!
Black-Footed Ferret Girl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, now come along before you cause any more damage.
(The large mustelid female easily lifts him up and places him over her huge deltoids with his body falling down upon her light-colored top-bosom and dark-colored bottom bosom. She seemed to confidently comb her hair with her claws in victory as she walks off with the madman as he continued to go on.)
Ricky: (yelling) You stupid furry cosplayer, you don't know the meaning of metamorphosis! You haven't seen the last of Ricky! Ivan! Holmes!!!
As the two go away and the waterfall background keeps going, the final caption comes on:
Rashid's House of Mutations
Accept No Substitutes
(The screen fades the black, then a scroll appears with the "Intermission"/"Ending" music from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" playing in the background for the remainder of the tale)
The entire management and staff of Rashid's House of Mutations would like to apologize for the following commercial that you have just witnessed. This company has no connection or affiliation with Ricky Ivan Holmes or Ricky's Habitat of Metamorphosis; he was just some wacky nut trying to smear our legitimate name. Likewise, none of the girls you have seen in this commercial (except obviously for the black-footed ferret female who kindly assisted in bringing this nut in) are satisfied customers in any way, shape or form; we have no idea what they are or where they came from but we have not found any connection of any of them being even legitimate mutations. Once again, our sincerest apology...
And BTW: April Fools...as if you haven't guessed by now